I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
