when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
