Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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