My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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