Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
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