Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize