so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
love makes seman taste better
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
