Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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