Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
