Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
