my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
