I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
