I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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