When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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