He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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