I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
