That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I need to sanitize my soul.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
