The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
