I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
