i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I got inside last night via doggy door
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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