but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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