Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
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as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
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I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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