Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Is it penis luge time yet?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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