I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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