I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
