my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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