peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
