I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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