it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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