Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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