Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
