Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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