Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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