Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
