So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
