Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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