Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I am midnight drunk by noon
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I wear drunk well.
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