I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
