I'm eating all of the evidence.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
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both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
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Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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