god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I have surprise drugs for everyone
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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