I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
