What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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