R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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