I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
