u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
