my phone needs a breathalizer
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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