Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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