so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
