I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
