i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
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