Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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