jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
