the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
third nipple confirmed
I want a musical about memes.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
There are leaves in my underwear?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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