i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i out mim tonsoeep
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