at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
